Separation often raises very practical questions about everyday decisions involving children. A common doubt is whether one parent can act independently during their time with the child, or whether the other parent must always be informed and give consent.
A reader, for example, asked whether her ex-partner could take their 9-year-old daughter on a helicopter ride without telling her. Situations like this help clarify a broader issue: in cases of custody, what decisions can one parent make alone, and when is joint agreement required?
The answer depends largely on the type of custody—shared or sole—and on the nature of the decision itself.
How child custody works
Custody is the legal framework designed to ensure that children maintain a balanced and continuous relationship with both parents after separation.
In most cases, custody is shared. This means both parents retain parental responsibility and the child spends time with each of them, often with one parent designated as the primary residential parent. The other parent still has visitation rights and regular contact, as well as obligations such as child support.
Even in these arrangements, custody remains legally shared: both parents continue to play a role in decisions affecting the child.
Sole custody, on the other hand, is less common and is granted only when the judge believes that shared custody would be contrary to the child’s best interests. In that case, one parent exercises parental responsibility more fully, although the other parent still retains certain rights—especially regarding major decisions.
Shared custody: what can you decide on your own?
In shared custody, the key distinction is between ordinary decisions and important (extraordinary) decisions.
For matters of everyday life, each parent can act independently during the time the child is with them. This includes routine choices such as buying clothes, food, or toys, or organising occasional activities. For instance, taking a child to play football after school or planning a one-off outing—like a special experience during a weekend—generally falls within this sphere of autonomy.
This is where the helicopter example fits in: if it is a one-time recreational activity, not particularly risky or out of the ordinary, it may be considered an ordinary decision that does not strictly require prior consent.
However, when it comes to decisions of greater importance, both parents must agree. These include choices related to education, health, long-term activities, or the child’s habitual residence. For example, enrolling a child in a regular sports course (such as swimming lessons every week), choosing a school, or consenting to medical treatments all require joint decision-making.
If one parent acts alone on matters that require agreement, the consequences can be significant. Not only can the judge reassess custody arrangements, but any extraordinary expenses decided unilaterally usually remain the sole responsibility of the parent who made that decision—unless the situation was urgent and clearly in the child’s best interest.
Sole custody: what changes?
When one parent has sole custody, they generally have broader decision-making powers. They can make many choices independently, including those relating to schooling, daily organisation, residence, and most healthcare decisions.
However, this does not mean the other parent is completely excluded. Even in cases of sole custody, the law requires that major decisions affecting the child’s life still involve both parents, unless a judge has ruled otherwise.
For example, choosing a school or making significant medical decisions typically still requires consultation. The non-custodial parent also has the right—and duty—to monitor the child’s upbringing and can turn to the court if they believe decisions are being made that harm the child’s interests.
A balance between autonomy and cooperation
Ultimately, the system tries to strike a balance. On one hand, each parent must be free to manage everyday life with the child without constant interference. On the other, important decisions must reflect a shared responsibility.
In practice, this means that routine and occasional activities can usually be decided independently, while anything that has a lasting or significant impact on the child’s life requires agreement.
VGS Family Lawyers is a law firm that offers assistance to English-speaking clients with interests in Italy. In case you need assistance, please write to: info@vgslawyers.com